Rizzle Squared.

Pretending to be Deep

Have you ever been so happy that you were a little bit sad, too? I know that sounds kind of weird. But it’s like, smiling until you hurt, or something like that. Only emotionally. Being so happy that it hurts. You know, being with people that you love and having a great time and then just having this thought resounding throughout your head- I am going to miss this. And that affects how you act and feel and interact with others and kind of everything, I guess. Does that happen to any of you guys ever, or am I just insane? Anyway. It starts to affect other stuff, too. Like situations when you know that might happen. I start to dread them. Like with Mexico. My first year, I was nervous, but I went and had an amazing time and absolutely loved it. And then I came home and I missed it like CRAZY. And all I wanted was to go back. And I was beyond excited. And then about two weeks before we left, I stopped wanting to go quite as much. And slowly it just faded and faded until I was almost dreading it a little bit. And then I went, had an amazing time other than getting sick, blah blah blah. But it almost felt like holding back a little bit, in some ways. And the same can DEFINITELY be said for camp. The best years are also the ones I missed the most. And they’re also the ones where I didn’t hold back, like, AT ALL. But there truly is this little pit in my stomach right now that isn’t looking forward to camp at all. Looking back and remembering how much fun I ALWAYS have, that makes no sense whatsoever. But I seriously was, like, dreading camp last year, and work weekend, and Mexico, and all these things that resulted in my having an AMAZING time. But looking back without actually thinking about it? They don’t seem as amazing as they actually were.

So here’s my hypothesis: naturally as humans, we want love. That’s what camp and Mexico and all that are full of- a sense of community, which for me at least leads to love. And then you leave and lose that love. Even if you’re still talking to those people or whatever, it’s no longer constant. And because it was originally there, it leaves a much bigger hole than when it wasn’t in the first place. Hearts don’t like holes, including metaphorical ones (bleh, corny corny corny). So we remember those, and naturally don’t want to cause more. And that leads to instinctive avoidance of the things that might cause that. Because even though you know it might be some of the happiest, most amazing days of your life, you just can’t get excited because you know it leads to eventual sadness, however slight. And then when you’re there you also don’t fully let go, because you still feel like it’s a slight way to protect against missing it later. But then when you finally forget and REALLY let go, it ends up being amazing. You just have to wait long enough and forget.

So maybe that’s why I’m never excited for camp once we hit less than two weeks.

But figuring that out doesn’t seem to make me any more excited.

~Rach